I deserve babies too
Hanging out in the café Sunday morning before church, a lady about 10 years older than me walked up to me and said she just dropped her baby off in the nursery and was admiring my little ones. She commented on how much they had grown and how different they looked. We began talking about the miracle of our babies and although this woman was just an acquaintance, she said some things to me that almost brought me to tears. I know this woman very little, but what I do know about her is that she suffers from a sickness where she is often very sick and is even hospitalized frequently. The doctors told her eight years ago that she could try having kids, but it most likely would never happen. She said she so desperately wanted a baby and that when she saw me get pregnant with my first son Bronx, she was so encouraged for her own success. She thought I was extremely brave, but also just hopeful that maybe it could happen for her. Sure enough, a miracle ended up happening to her too.
As we stood in the lobby talking and rejoicing about our beautiful miracle babies, what she said next really struck me. She said that she gets so much crap from other people for having a baby. They don't understand why she would choose to have a baby, she needs so much help from her parents, her in-law and especially her husband because of how sick she is. Mind you, she is a beautiful woman who walks around, fully functional, you wouldn't even know she was sick. And here I am, I had two kids, in a wheelchair and Jake and I still want more. Most people know my limitations, at least the people in my circle. They know that I can't cook my own dinners, can't shower myself or even take myself to the bathroom. We began to have a discussion about how awful it is to hear those words. Why would anyone else think these things. She said "I finally said to someone 'why do other people get the joys of having a kid, but I don't?'" This really stirred something in me because it's something I struggle with. In an ideal world I can do everything I wanted to do around my home, for my husband, for my kids. I would make them dinner, give them baths, hold them when they cry and rock them when they're sick. But the reality is I can't. I have days where I feel extremely discouraged, I wonder why God would have given me these babies if I can't take care of them. People want to know how it's done. how the boys are properly taken care of. how we remain happy and how we function. Well it's through the help of everyone around me, my parents, my in-laws, my friends, my husband, my two incredible nanny/caregivers. You see, I couldn't do it without them and most people realize that. And as grateful and thankful as I am for all these people it's also a very hard thing to come to terms with. These people become my hands on a daily basis. They do everything I wish I could do for my own babies, feed them, wipe their poopy butts, everything. I've had people look at me weird and even had people say they think I take advantage of the people around me, but let's face it, if these people didn't want to be in my life then they wouldn't offer to help. And the feisty women in me says I don't want to use a helping hand that doesn't really want to help anyways, but I know that these people I have, love these two babies of mine so incredibly much. They see it as a honor to help me raise my boys.
As a mom and a very strong person it's a very hard feeling to feel like you're not capable of doing anything, but God reminds me I'm capable of loving my babies and praying for them and showing them what life is about. It's also hard to feel like you rely on so many other people all the time. Somtimes it sucks asking for help but my kids need it, so that's what I have to do. God continually reminds me that these are my babies, that I know what's right for them, but I just have to use other people to get it done and that's OK. My babies will never feel unloved or unwanted. My "Mom Life" is different than others. My kids are strapped to my wheelchair, kissed and held by everyone in town and it's a wonderful thing. I'm in a crazy season of life, having two kids two and under, but God is with me in every season. I've decided my blog will not only show the fun parts of my life, but also the struggles and just the daily things that it takes to raise the boys being in a wheelchair. I hope it speaks to you and encourages you because I deserve to have kids and so does any other woman out there who has that desire in their heart.